My daughter Madison is now three months old so I now have three months of crash course motherhood Cliff Notes to unload on any first time pregnant moms that are brave enough to listen. Here goes.
The hospital stay as a drinking game. I’ve always been a pretty modest person which made the whole hospital stay/birth experience almost traumatic for me. If I had it to do over again (and I WON’T) I imagine the best way to get through it would be to treat it like a drinking game. Take a sip of beer for every new woman nurse that enters the room and pulls off the covers to take a “peek” at how things are “going”. Take a shot for every time a new male nurse/anesthesiologist/phlebotomist gets to see more of you than what would be normally exposed at a beach. The good news is that by the end, you are either just too exhausted to notice who sees what, or too drunk to care.
Housekeeping as a state of mind. Being up 24/7, learning how to redo everything from dressing to eating with one hand (and usually not your dominant one), having a very large dog and caring for this new creature takes a toll on your house. Mix in an onslaught of eager house guests and the outcome is usually a scary concoction of tearful postal violence. To get a grip, I really lowered my expectations of “presentable” and came up with my “most important list”, if I could get that stuff checked off, guests could enter at their own risk. Everyone’s “important” is different but I’ll share mine as an example. If I could answer yes to the following questions, I didn’t care if I had people on their way over in five minutes…..Was I wearing a bra?… actually, now that I think about it, that was it. Screw em’ if they can’t wash a mug, make their own coffee and wipe off a clean space on the couch to sit on.
Development of latent super powers. One of the most amazing things about motherhood for obsessive compulsive over achievers, is the additional super human instincts and agility advancement that comes with the baby package. For instance I can now do amazing things with just one hand and a knee. I could easily articulate paragraphs mid-yawn. I can carry EVERYTHING at the same time. My hearing bumped up to an 11 so I could actually hear the baby’s nails growing from down the hall while I slept. When I slept. My hands actually rubberized so that I could type and hit shortcuts on the keyboard with one hand. Rubbing your belly and patting your head? Cake.
Cuteness Medusa. Babies have an exceptional super power of their own that is rarely documented. I call it Cuteness Medusa. They wave, wiggle, screech, kick and talk all to get your attention, and then the minute you look into their eyes – BAM! You are totally held transfixed and completely under the baby’s spell. Hours might go by and you’ll never know. Beware of the Cuteness Medusa, it will ruin many dinners.
iTunes Visualizer = Baby Mesmerizer. Because I work from home, every day is Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. Sometimes she is a fabulous copilot and offers insightful coos during the design process. Sometimes she is a squirming sack of angry potato monsters trying to destroy the world and delay the project. While I patiently try to explain that Mommy has to work so we can go get her shiny toys and still have electricity and that diapers don’t grow on trees, at three months she really doesn’t quite grasp it. Next best thing is the iTunes Visualizer… click on some Tom Petty, Jethro Tull or Pink Floyd playlists and flip on the visualizer…..ahhhh a hypnotized baby is a quiet baby.
My last lesson is pretty straight forward and needs no deep explanation. No matter how tired you are, never open a box of wine with a knife.