10 Months of Motherhood – The Lessons Learned

Madison, “The Mad-ness” on the prowl…

I’m in full camo (which in my living room means in a pink tutu and under a SpongeBob blanket), crouched behind a heavily scarred brown leather couch. Batman, my trusty companion and confidant watches closely for my signal. Only seconds tick by before we hear it – the battle shriek of… The Mad-ness. Bat instinctively flicks his tail under the couch for protection and raises his huge head to look me in the eyes, pleading for reassurance that we will get through this. The Dane is no dummy, the danger is clear but we both knew we were putting our lives on the line when we took this mission. The time has come to test our resolve. The rhythmic pattern of hands and knees along the hallway floor echoes loudly through the living room. She is definitely coming this way, and faster than a vegetarian hops a plane out of Texas. The Mad-ness reaches the living room entrance as I chance a peek over the armrest. Our eyes meet. The squeal is almost deafening…

This is the point in my day dream where Bat and I launch ourselves over the couch firing tranquilizer darts. Just like on Animal Planet, we wait for her to stagger and stumble. Then while she is out we clip her nails, brush her teeth, change her diaper and get her into the crib to sleep it off hoping I have enough time to make a cup of coffee and check my email. In real life I can’t possibly hide because – well.. let’s just say her 1st Birthday theme is going to be Godzilla. And I don’t have access to tranquilizer darts, although after 10 months of this whole Mom-Thing I’m pretty sure they should come standard.

I’m going to make Madison a t-shirt that says “This Is What Happens When Pregnant Mommies Drink Ice Coffee”. And I’m going to need to make the dog battle armor like that bear in The Golden Compass. And maybe someday I’ll get some sleep. But in the meantime I dream my daydreams, wear padding and cary Crazy Glue.


One Comment Add yours

  1. Bev Shanley says:

    I was laughing as I read this because I could see you and Bat behind the sofa…….hiding from the “kid who creepy crawls across the carpet”. You will have to learn to run faster or give in to the stinky diapers job with grace. I don’ t know why you haven’t trained her to change her own diapers yet. Her Nana Pris tells me she is brilliant. Things will only get better, Julie. Soon she will be throwing food avross the room! Memories! Bev đź‘Ľ

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