“Mom-i-cure” AKA “Pedicure of Desperation”
Getting dressed for an event is difficult. I spend a lot of my “dressing” time running half naked from room to room pulling Maddi off the drapes, out of the closets and out from under the living room furniture between adding my articles of clothing. Doing hair and makeup is even harder because she’ll sneak up on me like a half-pint ninja and unravel half a roll of toilet paper before I catch the squares flying in the air behind me in the bathroom mirror reflection. But doing my nails has reached an all-time level of low expectations. I call it the “mom-i-cure” and essentially, I’ve found a fair amount of bare minimum success with the following steps:
- Find the color you used last time. It is still chipped and peeling all over your toes so you have something to match against. Bonus.
- Put on the sandals you are going to wear out to the event. Like you’ll have time for paint to dry before putting them on anyway, right?
- Apply paint OVER the existing polish in its various states of decay on whatever toes are showing once in the shoe. Whatever. This is why the AKA has the word “desperation” in it.
- Scrape off all the excess paint you got on the skin around the nails on the way to the function with your thumbnail. Should be dry by the time you’ve wrangled the baby into dress clothes and then into the car seat. If you are really good, this step can be done at stop lights. If you made a huge mess (more likely), drive around the block once or twice until you finish up.
Once at the event, no one will be close enough to your toes to see the nasty-half-fast excuse for a paint job you did. And if they are close enough, they have simply saved you the effort of trying to reach their face with a swift kick. Note– I find the best colors to work with are metallics. They seem to last longer and the shimmer blends the bumps and streaks well. As well as can be expected, anyway.
Some last thoughts
Little people tub crayons make awesome big people shower murals.
The Baby Einstein soothing sounds aquarium on her crib somehow became the Stewardess Call Button. The amount of times it gets whacked on and off is a direct correlation to the patience level of the Madster post-nap and essentially means “Mom, get your ass over here and pick me up”.
My headstone just might read “Death by Barney the ($#%%^&^%$) Dinosaur”, but Sesame Street is almost as cool now as it was when I was a kid in the 70’s. While I can’t seem to get the damn theme from the “Elmo’s World” skit out of my head, I am strangely comforted by the fact that a lot of the original cast is still there. And they are old and not Botoxed to death.
We DO NOT like AC/DC. No idea why, she just goes supernova when it comes on. Frank Sinatra is still the music of choice, but I had a few minutes of success with some Led Zeppelin and Billy Joel for some variety after 15 months of Luck be a Lady and My Way. There is a god.
Mommy-Baby Story time update– We just finished up the Yule Ball (my favorite part of the movie) and we are working out the egg clue. At this pace we’ll get through the whole series before she knows what I’m saying, which works out well… means I can read them again in a few years :)