21 Months- Tales from the Deplorable Domestic

Seriously though… Holy Crap.

This month we learned to “put away” our clothes in the trash can, open the refrigerator and use a fork… on the dog.

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Tales from the Deplorable Domestic

So I have this theory – anything you cook will ROCK if you come up with a really good name for the dish before hand. I swear- it is just that easy. Take for instance, “Southwestern Lasagna”. Sounds killer right? Yeah, we are talking about layering leftover chili over leftover mac n’ cheese, topped with stale tortilla chips and drowned in shredded cheese. Bake for 20 min at whatever temperature feels right to you.

NOTE: to complete the illusion you must put the whole thing in one of those 50’s style corning ware casserole dishes with the glass lid like everyones mom and mom’s mom had. Its kind of a way to steal time-honored branding from a generation that actually knew how to cook. Everything seems perfect if it comes out of the oven in one of those. Screw the handed down recipe, just buy the casserole dish.

You’ll know if you picked a good name if someone says “wow that sounds awesome! What kind of wine would go good with that?” To which I usually reply “boxed.” They always think I am kidding.

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I am totally not embarrassed to admit that I use the shop vac to clean the oven and microwave. Comes in handy with toaster ovens too. Great for crumbs. Use the car attachments to really get into the corners.

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Conversations with Batman

Every day, right after the baby goes down for her nap, the mail truck starts making the rounds up my street. Our dialog usually goes something like this……

[Me at the computer. Bats on his bed by my feet so I can’t go anywhere without tripping over him]

Bats: Lifts head, raises ears

Me: “She just fell asleep Bats, please don’t bark”

Bats: Points nose in the direction of the street

Me: “Please be a good dog and stay quiet.”

Bats: Low growl. Snort.

Me: “Bats I swear to God……do..not..bark…..”

Bats: Snarf. Snort. Whine

Me: “Bats, if you loved me at all you would roll over and go back to sleep…”

Bats: Whine. Pant. Pant. Ears up.

Me: “You would.. you would ignore the dumb mailman altogether and be a good dog and…”

Bats: Snarf. Growl. Stretch.

Me: “I’m serious- Bark and you will never be dead enough.”

Bats: Groan. Growl. BARK.

Me: “You will die. You will die and I won’t feel the least bit bad about it….”

Bats: BARK. Whine. Bark.

Me: ” I won’t feel bad at all. I really won’t. I might even throw a party. I’ll tell everyone to bring their deadest dog…..”

Bats: BARK. BARK.

Me:  “…and I’ll wear your friggin’ carcass at special occasions…..”

Bats: BARK. BAAAARRRRKKK.

Me: “and people will ask me where I got such a crazy fuzzy smelly sweater, and I’ll TELL THEM! I will! I’ll tell them the whole horrible story about the dog that wouldn’t shut……”

[Mailman is now long past our house. Baby didn’t wake up. ]

Bats: Yawn. Groan. Plops head back down on bed.

Me: “You know I love you, right?”

Bats: Farts. Like only a Great Dane can.

Me: “Thanks, buddy. Love you too.”

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Mom-cabulary-

Splurf : When you try to clean up a drop of food off the baby’s face with the end of the spoon but you only make it worse. As in : “Can you please hand me a napkin, I created a five alarm Splurf.”
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Luggage on the Crazy Train

Motherhood so far just seems to be a whole circus of crazy..some days I’m the strong man and some days I’m the freak…. actually, most days I’m the freak.
Exterminator comes to the door on a particularly hectic day and asks if I am having any problems. Really? Maybe he should have been more specific if he didn’t want to hear the whole tearful rant.
Anytime I want the baby to wake up, I start making myself something to eat. Works every time.
First time I bother to read the toy’s instructions and I get “Can not recharging?” and  “Don’t lighting ears LED light long time to irritate children’s eyes”……. so glad I bothered.

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Wheels on the Bus – Alternate Lyrics

Wheels on the Bus is our “go to” song for miserable toddler car rides. But when traffic, red lights, or unusual distances come into play, how many times can the windows go up and down before mommy considers letting the wheels on the bus roll over her head? And so the alternate lyrics come into play. We all know that the wheels on the bus go round and round, that the windows on the bus go up and down, that the wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish and that the driver of the bus says “move on back”, but did you also know:

The zombies on the bus say “brains, brains, brains” – “brains, brains, brains” – “brains, brains, brains” – The zombies on the bus say “brains, brains, brains” all through the town.

The cops on the bus says “hands where I can see ’em”- “hands where I can see ’em” – “hands where I can see ’em” – The cop on the bus says “hands where I can see ’em” all through the town.

There are many many more, but you get the idea.

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Just finished my latest children’s book, Bringing Flowers to the Moon, and it will be available on Amazon in a couple of weeks. Until then, I’m taking pre-orders for the signed copies on my web site www.JulianneBlack.com

Bringing Flowers to the Moon
Yeah! Latest Book!!

 

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