A lot has been going on the last few weeks… we started at school, we turned the big two, we had loads of vaccinations, we’ve been all over California visiting friends and family… My head is spinning. Essentially, besides having a really great summer (even though it was over 105 for at least 4 weeks straight out here on the multi-sun, outer-rim outpost planet of Ridgecrest) we have also learned quite a bit. I don’t think what we have learned out weighs what we have unlearned in the face of the great mysteries of the universe, parenthood and all things earthly, but I’m hopeful it its a good start.
Mysteries? Riddle me this – if a Birthday is the anniversary of childbirth why doesn’t the mom get the gifts? I’m serious. I should at least get to pick the theme for the bouncy house. Hope you like Spiderman kiddo, because Hello Kitty is right out.
Going to “school” has been quite the trip, it isn’t really “school” so I’m hoping this isn’t really “what I’m in for” for the next 15 years…..
Typical school morning:
Maddi wakes up. Enjoys some cuddle time on the couch. Watches some cartoons. Drinks her morning smoothie. Then I slowly start in with the “We are going to go see the kids today, are you excited? Do you want to go play with the kids?” She shoots me a look out of the corner of her eye and pretends she didn’t hear me. It is at that point the fun begins…
First trip to the car: my purse, baseball cap, sunglasses, Maddi’s day bag.
Maddi is still on the couch watching cartoons and drinking smoothie. I walk quietly to her room to find an outfit for school, diaper, socks and sneakers. Walk back to couch with items behind my back as to not cause alarm or suspicion. Dog lifts head off couch and stretches in anticipation of morning acrobatics. Sneak up behind couch potato and start to lift off pajama top.
Toddler bolts. Dog starts barking. Both head light speed to the kitchen. Maddi pushes past dog and runs at a sprint down the hall to her room. Dog picks this moment in time to discover how awesome my toes are, successfully tripping me and sending me into the fridge door.
Toddler scream-laughing from her bedroom with one naked arm flailing and half of her face covered by unsuccessful pajama top removal. Corner smoothie-crazed toddler and remove the pajama top. Replace pajama top with new shirt. Toddler breaks free and heads back to cartoons.
Chase toddler back down the hall towards living room. Attempt to get toddler interested in cartoons so I can get the pajama bottoms off. Dog decides he needs to go out. Break off from toddler to put dog outside. Return to couch. No toddler anywhere to be found. Giggles heard from kitchen.
Find toddler flinging kitchen magnets over her shoulder. Pick up toddler with one arm and remove pajama bottoms with the other. Attempt to stand toddler up and try to undo diaper tabs. Toddler refuses to put her feet back down on the floor. Toddler wiggles out of one-armed grasp and heads toward couch again.
Dog needs to come in. Break off from toddler-wrestling to let in dog.
Return to toddler and take off diaper. Begin the chase with the new pull up. Dog begins barking at the complete lack of anything in the front yard. Scream at dog. Half-naked toddler repeats horrible thing said to dog while running down the hall to her room. Smack myself in the face. Twice.
Capture toddler, replace diaper. Remember that chosen school outfit pants are still in living room. Attempt to convince toddler to return to living room. Bribe toddler with an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Toddler runs to living room chanting “MeeeeeeMoooowwwzzzzCluh-Howz” Take a swig of coffee while passing through kitchen back to living room. Knowing full well that Mickey Mouse Club House makes me bleed out my eyes, I press play.
Pants. Socks. Shoes. Check to be sure she has smoothie, cheerios and that the dreaded “MeeMowz” is playing ok. Walk back to kitchen to take a triumphant sip of coffee. Hear dog behind me thrashing about on the couch. Smoothie magically appears down wall, dog and school outfit. Dog decided he doesn’t like the smoothie on his face and proceeded to rub it off across the back of the couch. Repeat above steps. Starting to wish I smoke. Crack.
Second trip to the car: my phone, coffee, and Maddi’s water. Back inside to remind Maddi that MeeMowz has to take a break because we need to go play with the kids at school. Maddi turns to me, pauses, and then repeats the horrible thing I said to the dog 20 minutes ago, only this time to the tune of Frozen’s “Let it go”. Snatch up toddler. Head to car.
Backing out of drive way to a slow low growling “meeeeemmoooooowwwzzzzzcllluuuuuhhhhh-hoowwwzzz”. Remind toddler “we are going to see the kids, don’t you want to go play with the kids?!” while stabbing at a selection of Nowhere’s Bellybutton’s finest radio stations preprogrammed into the dash. News. Dead air. Country (worse than dead air). Commercial. Commercial. [“MMMMMEEEEEMMMMOOOOWWWWZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”]Commercial. Last button- 80’s station playing Rod Stewart’s Forever Young. Dear God really?!? Is this what I’ve been reduced to?! The howling stops… but that was the last verse because the song ended. Begin stabbing at buttons while the chant gets louder and deeper “MMEEE MOOOWWWZZZZZZZCLUH-HOWWWZZZZ” “Sweetie- we are on our way to play with the kids! What do you think you’ll do today? Play outside?” “meeeeeemmoooowwwwzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz“. While all of this is going on on the outside, I can’t help thinking about the Tutti Frutti scene in Devil’s Rejects. (There is no f*^king MeeMowz in your f*^king future, man). When you start relating Rob Zombie movies to your daily life, you really need to reboot. Oh look- The SCHOOL!!!! I’m saved!
Out of the car carrying 30 pound toddler, her day bag, my purse and her extra diaper bag. I pause to make a mental note to pick up my sherpa license at the DMV on the way home because DAMN I’m good. Only 20 minutes later, her fingernails slowly start to release their grip from the flesh on the back of my neck and she settles into bubbles and water toys with the other kids. I slip out the back and make it half way to the jeep when the icy cold realization that I’ll be back here in three hours to pick her up and do it all again sets in. Can I make it to the Mexican border in 3 hours?
Happy 2nd Birthday Maddi! Despite the chaos, I can’t be anymore in love with you.