Merry WeenGiving and a Happy New Year everyone!
As the end of the year is coming fast, I decided to get one last 2014 post out. We had another banner non-Santa year. A whole hour in line for Santa pictures and this is what we got:
Priceless. Why they don’t have “Test Santas” set up in line to give out candy and cookies to kind of break the ice, I’ll never understand. But whatever. Into the baby book it goes.
We learned to turn doorknobs this month. Once she actually walked over and let the dog in! I got all excited that the whole motherhood thing was finally paying off, but mostly she just escapes to the backyard to pull up all the solar light stakes around the patio or flings open the bathroom door on houseguests using the toilet. And what could be better than that, right? Friggin’ anything. No one comes to visit.
Please let it be “big girl bed” time. Recently I found myself bent into an L-shape and stuffed into a toddler bed. The portion of my legs that were sticking out over the floor became Dane-ass tarmac because heaven-forbid I spend time with baby and not the dog. The glow stick I had used as a baby lure to get her into bed in the first place is now being jammed repeatedly into my right eye socket. Apparently it is a funny thing to do when you are two, because the joke is totally lost on me. My left arm is up in the air whacking the damn fisher price aquarium back on every five minutes because the battery is dying and it is the only way she’ll fall asleep. Awesome.
Finally she starts snoring – which you think would mean SUCCESS – but really she is using the snoring as sonar to scan the room for movement. Its a trap. Creeping towards the door is just as dangerous and twice as deadly at this point. Waking her up during my escape means not only do I have to start all over, but she is disoriented and totally offended by the attempt to put one by her. Another mega danger is that the dog makes it his mission to throw me under the bus. He’ll save up every itch, stretch, yawn, fart and shake until the moment I go to creep out of the room. Without fail, all of a sudden there is some kind of canine pent-up existence release – complete with gallons of high flying drool projectiles, fabulous smells and much collar jingles. I don’t know how a such a sweet and loving companion could hate me so much.
When she finally does fall asleep, I’ll actually go outside, walk around the house, and come in through the backdoor rather than walk by her room in fear of waking her up. Sometimes a dozen times a night. My neighbors are worried but don’t offer to babysit or call the police so I still think I’m winning.
I recently have realized I’ve crossed into a level of “mom-dysfunction” that I never knew was possible.
Here are two good examples:
Example 1. OK- Here’s my year so far; yet another cross-country home relocation, full-time toddler-rearing with no more than a few hours break from mommy-ing all year. I’ve written, illustrated and published two new books and kept my design business running on top of all the other daily items that come up… yada yada yada…BUT here I am reading the newspaper and I’m completely engrossed in a story about this local guy who went out on a mid-week carjacking spree while carrying around his one-year old child…. and my first thought was “wow, I couldn’t even finish a cup of coffee when Maddi was a year old, never mind take her out carjacking! Wow! This guy must be some kind of multi-task guru!” My second thought was that humanity has spiraled to new levels of suck, but I really did scare myself for a minute there.
Example 2. I’m standing in a public parking lot holding Maddi after her school’s Thanksgiving Feast and she throws up straight into my face at point-blank range. I’m completely covered in puke – its in my hair, my mouth, down my shirt… and my first thought is ” Seriously? A decade of vegetarianism and I get to spend the rest of the day tasting second-hand turkey?” I then proceeded to bring her into her hair cut appointment decorated in pre-chewed cranberries like nothing ever happened. It wasn’t until we got ready to leave and I heard the wet slap of the seatbelt over the outward wet mess I call my life that I even noticed how low the standard for “gross” had been lowered.
In other news…
The Elf on the Shelf has been out since late May, but on a happy note, I am totally winning Pre-K snack time. I actually made cool little chocolate ghost pops for her Halloween party, I was so surprised with myself that I made them the background picture on my cell phone for weeks.
In my non-mom life I’m an artist and I just finished a cool portrait of Albert Einstein I’m really excited about :)
If you are interested in checking out my work, I have some cool new stuff here:
Have a wonderful rest of your 2014!!!