Dear Dog… Seriously WTF?!

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Dear Dog,

Seriously, WTF?! Lets talk plainly for a minute and try to reach an understanding about a few household issues that have obviously been troubling us both.

The Mailman is not in league with The Gardener to mess with your stuff.

What exactly is the problem here? The poor guy is older than dirt spending his golden-ish years shlepping junk mail coupons and you have talk to him like that? Yeah, and I know about that sneak-up-and-bark maneuver. No! He is not the Spawn of Satan. I don’t care how crummy his cookies taste – you are going to scare the poor guy dead. He’s actually quite nice if you would give him a chance. No, he isn’t in league with the trash man. No, not the exterminator either. They do not hold secret meetings about you at the vet! How do you come up with this stuff?! Ok, lets just cover all the bases – He does not spy on us from low flying airplanes, pay the gardener to touch your stuff when you aren’t looking, and he in not – and never has been – in charge of programing the solar lights to come on and scare the snot out of you at dinner. The guy just delivers the mail. Give him a break.

The Printer is not possessed.

It also might interest you to know that The Printer is not randomly possessed by demons. Not even demon squirrels. I try to explain that to you before I hit the print button – yes, I control the print button. No, I don’t do it to ruin your nap! How could you even think that? Forget it. Moving on to… ah, yes! The Vacuum. You know exactly what the vacuum is, you chewed the extension hose damn near closed. Ok, whatever – The Scary Closet Dragon- it is actually called a vacuum and it has nothing to do with you. Again, I tell you that every time I turn it on… Yes, I control this too. I am not out to get you, I’m just cleaning the house and you go totally ape… you know what. Never mind.

The T.V. Doorbell.

I’m going to start this one slow. Ok, so we have this thing in the living room called a T.V. correct? Ok, you are with me so far? Good. Now on that T.V. sometimes people sing, or yell, or laugh… its all just part of the show that happens only in the box, right? I mean, you get that the people are not actually in the house, correct? Good. Ok, sometimes on the T.V. The Doorbell rings… No it didn’t just… Get back here! Ok, look at me – sometimes The Doorbell rings on the show – but it isn’t here, right? The sound is just on the T.V. not in the house – ok? You don’t have to go tearing off like a Hell Hound every time Patrick visits Spongebob  – hey! There is no one here! Why do I bother…

The Mirror is not a secret window for The Other Dog to spy on you.

Ok, let’s see… Mirrors. You weight 110 pounds, I’m really pretty embarrassed for you that the hall mirror makes you bolt in fear. It is in the same place everyday, how can it possibly still surprise you after a year in this house? It is not another dog trying to get out. Trust me, I would know if there were two Danes trying to get in bed with me every night. We don’t have a mirror in the.. you mean the stove? No. There is not another dog living in the stove either, but that does explain the seemingly random attacks on the hand towels I hang from the oven door handle.

I will always come out of The Bathroom.

I’m telling you this because the whole scratching and whining paired with the nose shoved under the door leads me to wonder if you might think I am in mortal danger. I’m not. I just have to pee. And I’m pretty sure I can do it alone. Yes, every time.

Now it is obvious I’ve confused you, but don’t worry, I’m quite certain you’ll forget all this in seconds. The next time we have one of these meetings we can review. I’ll also add some new topics like:

  • The child is not a vending machine.
  • Yes, it was you that farted. Why do always look like the stink snuck up on you?
  • The rain won’t kill you.
  • My side of the bed Vs. your side of the bed.

… but I’ll leave those for another time. Yes, you can have a treat now.

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